President to Sign Historic Tax on the Money That Fled the Last Tax

Great news for fans of taxation: our experts say that the president is set to sign a bill taxing money held in banks, finally closing the loophole that was, until now, the entire banking industry.

Some ask a somewhat smart-sounding question: "Well if the balance tax pushed everyone into banks, won't the bank tax just push everyone somewhere else?" No. It's different this time, because this time they (the crooked politicians) mean it.

Besides, where would the money even go? We've thought about this extensively during the drafting process nearly a full lunch hour, and eventually concluded there is nowhere left.

Others point out that financial institutions are unsecured, crash regularly, and that the government could recover more wealth by imposing fines on such corrupt financial institutions before they steal any money from our poor banks.

Well let me tell you folks, that's not how that works. Senators and Representatives don't care for that kind of progressive thinking, and would rather just AYE every single bill.

And think about what this bill truly fixes - the humiliation the government faced as the rich sat and waved their money. Because that's what really matters - a politician saying "Well, I fixed _", when in reality they just fed their ego and didn't fix anything.

Eventually, the government will run out of things to tax, and that's when we can all breath a sigh of relief, knowing that our politicians did everything they could to stop us from owning a single thing.