Shitty News Corp Heroically Speculates On What Could Happen Next

Millions of Redmontians confirmed Tuesday that they had finished Simple News' latest report on the Department of Homeland Security with zero new information, and in several documented cases, slightly less.

The article -- which raises the possibility of a full DHS meltdown before concluding that we can only wait and see contains no sources, no figures, and no dates, relying instead on a single question mark in the headline, which several media analysts confirmed was performing the entirety of the piece's journalistic labor.

"Reporting on things that have happened is easy," said Simple News editor-in-chief, defending the outlet's speculation-forward approach. "We ask the harder questions: What if a lot of crimes occurred? What if cops start quitting, possibly one-by-one? Will they? Nobody knows. That's the story. As for how many crimes were committed, we looked into it, and determined the amount to be countless, a figure our research team later upgraded to impossible."

A study conducted shortly after publication found that subjects who read the full article and subjects who stared at a blank wall for 40 seconds emerged with statistically identical levels of understanding, though the wall group reported feeling significantly less confused.